oh.. yeah

wow… so I haven’t blogged in way too long. life has been absolutely crazy. in fact, the only reason I have time to blog right now is because I’m home sick with strep throat (aw yeah, my fave.) I guess I’ll take advantage of the time and give my readers a little update on life at the moment~~~

1. I got a job! I work box office at a movie theater. It’s nice to be making money and I actually like my job and the people I work with. It’s hard to juggle with school (6 AP classes, fun stuff), soccer (JV/Varsity practices six days a week), and a social life (what’s left of it, anyway) but I’m making do.

2. I pretty much just endure school. It’s mind-numbing, everyday. I don’t feel like I’m learning anything worthwhile and that makes it harder to actually try, but I’m managing to keep my grades up to my and my parents’ expectations. I just want junior year to be over. I got the ACT out of the way already, so really, I just have to wait until after the AP tests (May!) and I’m pretty much done. (We started out last chapter in Calc BC last week and it was one of the greatest feelings ever. Sad, I know.)

3. Soccer has become my focus right now. It’s been a rollercoaster of success and disappoints so far, but it’s getting better week by week. I feel like the only thing in way of my success is me – I have this habit of doubting myself, and it really does not serve me well. But I’m getting over it. I love the sport, so I’m just gonna keep chugging along. I want to better myself.

4. My social life has been messed up lately, mainly because I don’t have time for one. I feel like I’ve gotten distant with my closest friends I don’t like it, so I’m working on trying to fix that. I also have been letting a guy get me down, which is the stupidest thing ever, so I’m trying to get over that, too. I just hate being ignored, I always assume I did something wrong to warrant such treatment, and it’s frustrating. Slowly and surely I’m moving on, though, and soon he’ll be nothing to me. His loss. It was my mistake for caring in the first place, I guess.

5. The one word to describe how I’ve been feeling as of late is “trapped.” All I want to do is travel, see the world and its people. It’s been a blossoming feeling for awhile now, and now it has completely taken root. I’m not destined to stay in Illinois and lead a humdrum life. I just need to get out there and do something. It will happen.

So as you can see, life has been hectic lately. Soccer, school, friends, a job, and the nagging feeling of wanderlust. That’s my life for ya.

Senorita Bonita

I haven’t blogged in awhile, so this post may be a little rough. Sorry ’bout that.

I’ve been in the Dominican Republic for the past five days. The first four days, all we did was sit around the pool and the beach, play volleyball, and get sunburnt. It was really nice, don’t get me wrong, but I can only relax for so long before getting antsy.

Today was totally different, and it was an amazing experience. We went on a tour of the island, visiting a coffee and cigar plantation and going ziplining. Most of the time, though, we were just driving through the countryside and mountains.

I had no idea how stunningly beautiful this country is – and everything in it. The land, the weather, and the people. Indeed, it is a poor country. But seeing the people live through their hardship, with grace and hardwork, makes La Republica Dominicana all the more awe-inspiring.

I could go on forever about the people. They have been so kind. And everyone I’ve met has had a great sense of humor… gotta love it. Today while ziplining, the tour guides were quite flirtatious, to say the least, but it was actually kind of refreshing. I didn’t have any makeup on, my hair was up, and I felt like total crap, but still, every station between the lines – “Hola, senorita bonita! Como te llamas? Eres muy bonita!” I don’t care if they say that to every tourist. It was nice. Such a relief from the American idea of customer service. Even the people in the streets are more friendly to each other – waving as cars pass by, saying hi to other drivers.

I want to travel the world, see more places like the Dominican, help the people that need it. Yes, I want to get a medical degree, but I want to put it to use elsewhere than the United States. There are so many places to go, people to meet. And life is short. People are my passion. I’ve looked into organizations such as Mercy Ships – and I love the prospect of it. I want to do something with my life. I don’t want to waste this time I’ve been given.

I love days like these, experiences like the one I had today. It’s a reminder of what is really important in life – something I had forgotten over the past few months, with all the stress I’ve been dealing with. I had forgotten that the most important thing is to look to the future. My experience in la Republica Dominicana had reminded me of that.

todaytodaytoday

today was a very good day, despite how it started.
I got out of the house for basically the entire day. It was a much needed break.
I went to my dear friend Meghan’s house, which was awesome, considering we hadn’t chilled in forever. We could seriously talk for hours and it was great to finally do that again.
Then, I went to my other friend’s house to get some math and physics homework done, which I have been putting off for the entire break. It was somewhat of a relief to get some stuff done… but then I realized how much more I have to do. Oops.
After I got home from that, another friend came over, and we had some fuuuun. It was quite awesome, she always makes me laugh a lot. And that’s pretty cool. Haha.
I’m kind of out of it, and superduper tired, so I’m gonna go before I start rambling about something dumb… I need to gather some energy for tomorrow night. New Year’s Eve! Partyyyy. Haha.

Cya wordpress!

wintergreen

what’s up wordpress? I haven’t posted in awhile, I know. As I’m sure many people can relate, the holidays have been crazy. Last week was my first week of break, and I was constantly busy. Wednesday through Saturday I was staying with my uncle, Saturday was our family’s Christmas Eve party, Sunday was Christmas so we were doing a ton of family stuff, and Monday and Tuesday I spent with one of my really good friends. Today, all the craziness really caught up with me. I was so tired all day, I could hardly keep my eyes open. I slept a ton after I got home from running errands with my mom – I took a three hour nap. What am I, five? I feel like all I do is sleep nowadays. Now, it’s 10:30 at night and I’m wired. Go figure.

Anyway, Christmas was really good! However, I got one of my favorite gifts yesterday – a car! It’s not anything fancy, but it’s just my speed, and I don’t need anything spectacular. I’m just happy to have a car! It’s a 2003 Toyota Corolla, and it’s in really good shape. I hope I can keep it running for a long time!

Other than the car, I got a ton of clothes, a camera, and some owl trinkets. It was a pretty good Christmas – if you want to be materialistic about it. Emotionally and spiritually, it was kind of rough. There was some family drama going on, and it put somewhat of a damper on the holiday. Honestly, it didn’t really feel like Christmas, and I hate that, because I LOVE Christmastime so much. It’s my favorite time of the year, but this year, I just wasn’t feeling it. However, I was still able to appreciate everyone I have, and how lucky I am in life – I am immensely grateful.

Tomorrow, I’m most likely hanging out with my Aunt for the day, and then Friday, I get to hang out with a friend that I haven’t really chilled with in a loooong time. I’m so excited, cause I really missed having them in my life. I can’t wait to catch up.

I realize this post is really rambling, but that’s just how it’s gonna be, haha..

This week, I also saw “We Bought a Zoo.” I adored it. It made my cry like a baby, it was so great. The ending – ahh! I really suggest going to see it, it’s heartwarming and emotional and just awesome.

Other than that, nothing’s really new. There have been some boy “issues,” though that’s kind of a harsh word for it. It’s more like me being at odds within my mind about how I’m feeling about someone. My mind says no, heart says yes, that sappy crap. I’m not one to obsess about guys – girls like that actually bug me – but this one is really getting to me, and I kind of just want to let it go, but I can’t. Oh well. I’ll eventually get over it.

I’ll try to post more from now on – it’s a goal for me in 2012. I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday, and I wish you all the best of luck in the new year!

Tidings

Why doesn’t it feel
The laughter, the snow, the joy
Like Christmas this year?

I miss the old days
The excitement, the fire’s warmth
Christmas, please return.

wonton

she looks in his eyes
she sees that something’s missing
she just looks away

caught in the moment
she doesn’t want to leave him
really, who needs love?

 

Existence

What is it like?

Sometimes I wonder
What it is like to exist
Nothing but exist

Just living, breathing
No needs or wants or details
Breathing in and out

Existing

Give Thanks

I wanted to write something more poetic or thoughtful for today, but I didn’t have the time, being that like many others, I was enjoying the holiday with my family.
So instead, I will quickly share what I am thankful for.
I am thankful for…
- my family. My mom and dad and nanny specifically. They support everything I do and although our relationship is not perfect (whose is?) my life would be so empty without them.
- my friends. They make me laugh daily and my life would be unimaginably dreary if they were not the amazing people they are.
- my education. As nerdy as that sounds, it is so important to me, and I am grateful that I have such an opportunity daily.
- my health and my family’s health. Many people are not so lucky, and although occasionally obstacles come our way, we have surely been blessed.

There are so many other things – the air I breathe, the food I eat – but those go without saying.

I am eternally grateful.

fa la la la winter

hey wordpress.
yeah, I haven’t been around lately. what has it been, weeks? things have been busy lately, but what else is new? today I finally found the time to just sit down and relax, so I figured I’d try to write something. no poems or rants today, just an update on what’s been going on in my life.
I’ve been looking so hard for a job lately. I need the cash, and I think it’d be cool to be making my own money.  I applied to Target, and followed up like twenty times, but they never got back to me. I applied at Mariano’s, and I have an interview with them in a week, but there I couldn’t start working until January or February. The one I’m most excited about is Caribou. I interviewed with them at the job fair today and the girl I interviewed with said that I did a great job interviewing and hopefully they’d be able to give me an opportunity to get something on my resume before I go off to college. I’d love to work there, I love the atmosphere and the people and their tea!
besides trying to find a job, school has been crazy. a certain teacher has been, for a lack of better words, bullying me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I know you come across people like that a lot in life, but I don’t think teachers should EVER bully their students. It’s not right, but I don’t know what to do. I could switch out of the class but that would not look the best on my college application. I feel like my life is defined by the fact that I need to get into college. I know it’s important but it’s so stressful. Junior year is THE year, though. The most important one. I should probably just stick the class out and suck it up. Bleh.
Time for my nerdy moment. I saw Breaking Dawn, the midnight premiere, and I loved it, so much. I know people hate the movies and think the books are stupid, but I love them so much. I don’t know why. It’s my guilty pleasure. I think a lot of people need to give the books a chance and read them. I’m not saying they’re fantastic pieces of literature, but it’s all about how they make you feel, I think. Ah. I love that series.
Anyway, that time of year is here! The holiday season. I adore it beyond anything. If there is an anti-Scrooge, I am it. I love everything about it, the weather, the food, the togetherness. It’s so awesome. Plus, my birthday’s in 2 weeks! 17 years old, holy moley. Haha.

Bottom line: life is crazy! but when it all comes down to it, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So this is part of my “true story” for English class. Feedback would be appreciated.

*****

The page before her is blank. Simple notebook paper, blue lines running across, two red lines denoting the margins. The notebook is new, never opened – until now. She traces her fingers across the page, as if caressing a loved one’s cheek. It’s crisp and smooth; words have not been carved into it. Not yet.
She rolls the pen between her fingers, clicks it open and closed. She wants to write. She doesn’t. She’s ready to write… She’s not. She can’t make up her mind. There’s so much she can say. But should she? She leans over the desk, the old office chair squeaking beneath her. From her room in the basement, she can hear her parents moving about in the house above her. The noise bothers her. She wants to be alone.
Taking a deep breath, she finally presses the pen to the page. She writes.

The noise it deafens,
Telling me I’m not alone
When that’s all I want.

Leaning back in the chair, she closes her eyes and listens to the noises above. Her parents are talking, and she recognizes the tone in their voices. It’s the usual – strained, tense. Unloving. She bites into her lip hard, until the salty, copper taste of blood snaps against her tongue.
She doesn’t understand. Why stay together? What is a marriage without love? Why not move on with their lives? Their unhappiness is tangible. She had asked them before. Why not divorce? Because we love each other, they would answer. And for the kids, they say. For the sake of the kids.
Just thinking of their answer brings a bitter smile to her lips; her green eyes open, flickering with contempt. It’s clear that the “we love each other” bullshit is a lie. So that only leaves the kids. Her and her brother. Their parents’ unhappiness – it’s their fault.
The pen scratches into the paper once more.

A fucking burden
Is that all I’ll ever be?
I’m just their excuse.

She hates free time. It gives her too much time to consider, to wonder, to muse. She hates thinking. There is too much to think about. Life, death – everything in between. She understands why people fill their lives with things to do. The time to think – it would eat away at them. The mind has a way of turning on itself, like a beta fish. Put the beta up to a mirror, and its fins flare out; it becomes aggressive, ready for a fight. The brain is no different. Give it time to reflect on itself, and it will see the enemy inside. The enemy in your own mind.
See, there it is, she thinks to herself. You’re thinking too much. Her lips turn up into a faint smile; she takes a deep breath. Picks up the pen again.

Life is much better
When you don’t think about much.
Then, you’ll be smiling.

It’s the truth, she tells herself. You need to keep yourself busy. And I do. I’m always busy.
And that was the truth. The girl always made sure she had something to do. She liked being involved in things. “Doing” does not require much thinking. Sure, you have to be aware of what you’re doing, but that gives you no time to really think.